Do you ever feel that your own wants and needs don’t matter, or do you find it hard to say "no" to people even when your gut tells you to? Maybe you struggle to be yourself around others or hesitate to say what you really want to say. If so, you might be a people-pleaser.
A people-pleaser is someone who has a strong desire to avoid conflict, seek approval, and ensure that those around them are happy—even at their own expense. Not surprisingly, this habit tends to creep into various facets of your life. It could seriously impact not only your mental and physical state but also your financial wellbeing.
While having plenty of empathy and maintaining positive relationships is admirable, constantly prioritising others' needs at the expense of your own is not. Today, we’ll talk about the impact of people-pleasing and give you a few tips on how you can break the habit to keep your finances from spiralling out of control.
How People Pleasing is Costing You and How to Change It
1. Saying “Yes” to EVERYTHING
Do you often find yourself agreeing to things just because you'd feel bad for saying “No”? Imagine you've decided to cut back on weekly lunch outings to save money, but a coworker invites you to join them for lunch. Because you fear missing out (FOMO) or don't want to disappoint your colleague, you end up going. Constantly agreeing to unplanned social events due to FOMO can lead to numerous unplanned expenses and derail your budget plan.
Let's say your goal is to save RM50 per week by cutting back on lunches. Agreeing to an unplanned lunch could eat up a significant portion of that savings, setting you back from your financial goals. Maybe a typical lunch with a colleague costs around RM20-RM30. That might seem like a small amount, but it adds up quickly.
Imagine indulging in five unplanned lunches a month – that's RM100 to RM150 you hadn't budgeted for! This unexpected expense can significantly impact your ability to save or invest for your future goals.
Politely decline: Understand that it's okay to say "no,” and that doesn't make you a bad friend. Practice saying “no” and politely declining invitations. It’s alright to be honest with your friends, and let them know you're cutting back to save money.
Find a compromise: This doesn’t mean that you must avoid having any kind of fun. You could suggest alternatives by proposing more budget-friendly activities, like bringing your lunch and eating together at a park or a common area. Good times don’t always require big money.
Plan ahead: Allocate a small budget for social outings each month, so you can still enjoy time with friends without breaking the bank.
2. Overcommitting to Others
Are you always putting your priorities on the back burner for others? Do you take on more work for other colleagues when your plate is already full? Do you sacrifice your weekends to be there for family members? Not having boundaries and always being available for others comes from a fear of disappointing others. But stretching yourself thin to meet everyone’s expectations will eventually lead you to burnout and even stunt your personal growth.
Remember the old saying, "Time is money"? When you're burned out, your efficiency drops, potentially delaying project completion or hindering your ability to take on new projects. You could also be missing opportunities for personal or professional growth. Saying yes to everything means saying no to something that could benefit you. Not prioritising your me-time deprives you of much needed R&R and the opportunity to develop yourself—all important for your wellbeing and productivity.
Know Your Limits: Before saying yes, take a breath and assess your workload. Can you realistically handle another task? Don't be afraid to politely decline if your plate is full.
Schedule "Me-Time": Prioritise your well-being by blocking off time in your calendar for rest, hobbies, or personal development. Treat these times as you would any important appointment. Communicate clearly: Work on communicating your limits and being honest with colleagues and family members about what you can realistically commit to. This helps manage expectations and avoids overcommitment. The Power of "Maybe": Unsure about an immediate answer? A simple "Let me check my schedule and get back to you" creates space to assess your commitments before giving a final response. Prioritising your time, and communicating effectively, helps you prevent burnouts and free up space for personal growth and well-being – all essential for long-term success. Remember, a happy and healthy you is a more productive you
3. Overspending on Others
Are you the generous friend in your group, always picking up the tab or lending money? Maybe gifting is your love language, and you enjoy expressing your care through thoughtful presents. However, do you often find that some friends don’t pay you back, and you’re too hesitant to remind them? While these habits might make you seem kind, they can also be a double-edged sword, setting an unhealthy standard in your friendships.
Constantly lavishing others with extravagant gifts and always paying the bills while ignoring your own expense limit can be financially disastrous. In our current economic climate, no one can afford it — and no one should have to. If the state of your mental health isn't enough motivation for you to make a change, maybe a quick glance at your bank statements will help. Split the bill clearly: Stop offering to pay, and let them know you’ll pay for yourself. This will subtly communicate to your friends that they must do the same. If they don’t take the hit, suggest splitting the bill upfront or “going Dutch. ”Remind your friends: If someone owes you money, gently remind them. You could send a text saying, “Hey, here’s your share of the bill from dinner the other night! I accept QR transfers.” Remember, it’s okay to ask for your money back; your friends should understand and respect that too. Budget for gifts: You don't have to shower others with gifts and monetary experiences to gain their love and approval. But if you do want to spend money on your friends, create a gift budget by allocating money specifically for spending on others. This gives you a clear picture of how much you can afford to spend and allows you to stay within your budget. Setting boundaries and managing your spending on others helps you maintain healthy friendships without building resentment and derailing your finances.
4. Avoiding Conflict at ALL COST
Have you ever felt yourself hold your breath at the thought of being in a confrontation? Avoiding conflict for the sake of “keeping the peace” means you’ll struggle to get what you need and may create situations that worsen over time.
For instance, imagine you’re offered a job and the salary is lower than you expected. Your fear of confrontation could hinder you from negotiating for a better salary. Similarly, if you’re already employed, you might avoid asking for a promotion because you fear being rejected and upsetting your boss.
If you’re a freelancer, you might undercharge for your services to win approval from your clients. While you may think these habits help build business relationships and maintain harmony, you risk undervaluing your worth and the quality of your work.
Over time, not only does this reduce your income, but it also hampers your career growth, makes you feel undervalued, and, of course, puts a massive halt on your financial journey. Know your value: Before any negotiation, research standard salaries or service rates in your field. This empowers you to speak confidently about your worth. Practice makes perfect: Role-play potential scenarios with a friend. Practise assertive communication, highlighting your value, and focusing on solutions. Practice saying things like, "That's a great offer, but with my experience, I was hoping for something closer to RM [your desired amount]."
Start small: Build your confidence by negotiating small things first. Focus on solutions, maybe suggesting a longer contract in exchange for a slightly lower rate for your freelance work.
It’s okay to say “No”: Don't be afraid to decline an offer that undervalues your skills. Remember, a polite "thanks, but no thanks" opens the door for future opportunities that align with your worth.
Prioritising your needs and developing assertive communication skills will aid you to effectively negotiate and achieve financial success without creating unnecessary conflict. Confidence is key!
Conclusion
Trying to break free from the habits of people-pleasing can be a challenge, but it will significantly improve your financial and personal well-being. Remember, you can’t keep pouring from an empty cup. By setting boundaries and prioritising your needs, you’ll notice a positive shift in your financial situation and overall life satisfaction. Subscribe to our financial newsletter for the latest news, insights, and advice on personal finance, investing, and more. With every email, you’ll gather the confidence and knowledge to make informed decisions to achieve your financial goals.